..currently plagues my mind. It conflicts with my tendency to dwell on practicality, logic and better sense. It is unnerving and almost unnatural yet so familiar, that I am about to or have to let go of something yet another time; something so close to my heart, something permanent, something that I took for granted. A sense of security and well-being snatched away from me. Then I grapple for words, for objects to give it more definition.]
an·chor
1. any of various devices dropped by a chain, cable, or rope to the bottom of a body of water for preventing or restricting the motion of a vessel or other floating object, typically having broad, hook like arms that bury themselves in the bottom to provide a firm hold.
5.a person or thing that can be relied on for support, stability, or security; mainstay: Hope was his only anchor.
There are only a handful of things I wanted to be permanent. Parents & their home were almost always on the top of the list as someone to fall back on and a place to go to. And however near or far I maybe, as the years progress, I've attached a sort of permanence to them.
I want a home to go to when I wish for it. A home that I made doesn't qualify the same way as the home that I sometimes wish to run to and has my parents, my pet, my books, my toys, my music, my pictures, all the familiar sights, sounds & smells that I can feel & touch even when I am not there ! Each precious moment that my parents have carefully preserved in photos, in every object that reminds them of us & reminds us of our growing up years all untouched and kept in the same places; the familiarity, associations, memories feel like they're being snatched away. Their decision to move is well planned & in the works for a while & yet I feel this void that can never be filled.
I know I can always travel & visit friends there but, it won't come as naturally as the feeling of "Yesss...I am going home!". I know there will never again be a countdown of the days left to get home, never again the strange sadness that sets in when you know you are leaving in a few days, the happiness of ringing the doorbell & seeing smiling & welcoming faces, the eagerness of squeezing in everything you love to eat & do in a few days and so much more.
I will gain, my parents will live next door. But, I feel a stronger sense of loss over a significant part of my life and time being lost, a 2nd time over! The home we set up, grew up in, a home so alive is suddenly going away never to be seen again!
I train myself to think the reverse - "They are coming home, finally !" And, I start counting down...for my loss or my gain ? Okay stop..be positive, be happy.
an·chor
1. any of various devices dropped by a chain, cable, or rope to the bottom of a body of water for preventing or restricting the motion of a vessel or other floating object, typically having broad, hook like arms that bury themselves in the bottom to provide a firm hold.
5.a person or thing that can be relied on for support, stability, or security; mainstay: Hope was his only anchor.
There are only a handful of things I wanted to be permanent. Parents & their home were almost always on the top of the list as someone to fall back on and a place to go to. And however near or far I maybe, as the years progress, I've attached a sort of permanence to them.
I want a home to go to when I wish for it. A home that I made doesn't qualify the same way as the home that I sometimes wish to run to and has my parents, my pet, my books, my toys, my music, my pictures, all the familiar sights, sounds & smells that I can feel & touch even when I am not there ! Each precious moment that my parents have carefully preserved in photos, in every object that reminds them of us & reminds us of our growing up years all untouched and kept in the same places; the familiarity, associations, memories feel like they're being snatched away. Their decision to move is well planned & in the works for a while & yet I feel this void that can never be filled.
I know I can always travel & visit friends there but, it won't come as naturally as the feeling of "Yesss...I am going home!". I know there will never again be a countdown of the days left to get home, never again the strange sadness that sets in when you know you are leaving in a few days, the happiness of ringing the doorbell & seeing smiling & welcoming faces, the eagerness of squeezing in everything you love to eat & do in a few days and so much more.
I will gain, my parents will live next door. But, I feel a stronger sense of loss over a significant part of my life and time being lost, a 2nd time over! The home we set up, grew up in, a home so alive is suddenly going away never to be seen again!
I train myself to think the reverse - "They are coming home, finally !" And, I start counting down...for my loss or my gain ? Okay stop..be positive, be happy.
2 comments:
We are also feeling bad to leave pune but don't you think it is the people rather than the place that matters? Our home wherever it may be will be the same regardless of whether it is in Pune or anywhere else
Aparna - I can sooo identify with your sentiments on this note...it has actually moved me and the urge to go 'home' has suddenyl intensified. Yes, having parents next to you is definately a gain but not being able to go 'home' is a loss...but as Aunty has put it - you will have a closer home to run to whenever you wish :)
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