It is so strange how much an unexpected loss impacts you.So strong, as to make you question your present state of existence. Everything that you once had and always took for granted is not even there any more. Its scary how that one loss could completely turn your world upside down, so much so that nothing else matters any more. Every philosophy & every word of wisdom then just doesn't make much sense. Somehow, a loss always provokes a train of thought that enlightens you on the wasted moments and what you could have done better or done right or it makes you wish you'd simply done something more. You even know that this realization & the loss is going to fade away in a few moments(hours/days/months/years) from now never to be spoken of again in the same tone of dejection & deprivation !
As they sing on, I've always known what they sang was true but it hits home harder now...in moments like these.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say
Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.
By a strange twist of fate...perhaps "good luck" I found my match in the Doc. Luckily for us, the few days of struggle to convince my folks to accept our decision to be married was easy; and we guess it was easier since we both happened to belong to the same Hindu Brahmin (GAWD!) background !! To give due credit, my folks really had practical concerns but that is a thing of the past...and boy am I glad !!
Marriage, as I gradually realized has its own trappings and external symbolisms when it comes to facing certain types in the family. The mangalsootra is quite literally "the knot" thats tied around the bride's neck in most Hindu weddings. Its the symbol of being a married woman, who then struts around with it proudly until the day she dies. Except, what happens is that this already heavy gold string keeps getting heavier with the years as gold coins, beads, corals & other knick-knacks in the name of some faith/numerology/tradition/astrology/blah...keep getting added on; all this is apart from the safety pins & keys that are hung on it for convenience!! Bottom line the neck-thingy is precious(some rocket science that...it is gold!!), symbolises goodwill, is something holy and is the suhaag ki nishaani**.
WARNING FRET HERE:[Wonder why something like this never imposed on men folk around. They could straddle themselves with some fat gold chain with representations of their wives/some holiness/family in some form or other and put it out on public display for the world to know. So much for that wannabe feminist crap !!]
Anyway, the simple fact is I hate wearing too much jewelry more so anything around the neck except for the rare silver trinket that I have a passion for and the problem starts here. Scene of crime 1: Nani's house ( she lives a few kilometers away from my own place). Enter grand-daughter with a wide necked tee and a very visible neck with an invisible mangalsootra. For nani "married woman = bindi + mangalsootra".
Nani's effusive welcome and happy face turns into varied hues of anger and disappointment and she strikes the final blow in those short 30 seconds "Where's your mangalsootra ?" So all I could do initially is look sheepish. This sheepishness progressed to irritation, anger and finally its settled. Some scheming & cheating worked for this one. This little strand of gold now has found its place in the cozy nooks of my handbag. Its sees the light of day and feels the warmth of my skin only when nani is around and when I wear a wide necked top. Most days I settle for a closed neck tee and anyway cheat on her because the sly little thing can never be spotted!
Scene of crime 2 : Visits to the mother-in-law ( about 4 or 5 times a year for a couple of days!!)
My M-I-L is a lady of strong tradition. She is a very religious and devout lady.But with all that she is one of the sweetest individuals I have come across in a long long time and I genuinely adore her. Then again, as with my dear old nani there are some things that I can never get away with. For nani its just the neck thingy, for m-i-l its the mega equation "married woman = bangles+bindi+toe-ring+neck thingy" !! The folks who know me will realize what trauma I have to go through. Well to my chagrin...I have given up trying to counter it and actually spend the few days with the in-laws quite happily and gracefully(talk about an adarsh bahu).Poor Doc he understands but he's also been at the receiving end of all my annoyance. So there I am strutting my stuff for 10 days a year for the eyes-of-you-know-who to see.
Grand Finale
- Doc & me arrive at our destination
- Rush for handbag
- Scramble through usual mess (usually empty contents onto back seat)
- Shove toe-rings into the toes
- Shove bangles on one hand (thank you Dearest Watch on the other)
- Position mirror, painstakingly remove sticker bindi, place on forehead
- Rush into elevator
- Arrive at the door while getting the noose(the mangalsootra) around neck
- Ring doorbell
- Walk in with the grace of...well lets leave that unsaid
This situation has played itself over several times over the last two years. While I've progressed to wearing all the jazz for the eyes of those can't help but notice their absence.So now my handbag is burgeoning with objects I absolutely don't care for or need( 1 little ziploc bag comprising 2 bangles+ 1 set of the tiniest red bindis + pair of silver toe-rings + 1 gold neck thingy). I can't help feeling a little awkward that I am cheating with it. Chuck it all !! I really can't help it. So now my handbag is burgeoning with objects I absolutely don't care for or need( 2 bangles+red bindis+pair of silver toe-rings + 1 gold neck thingy). As the "lingo" goes...I am like that only !! :)
**Suhaag ki nishaani: Suhaag literally means good fortune. Here it means the symbolism of being married which is the "ultimate good fortune"(only in case of women anyway...grrrr....)
PS: The Doc is kind to me. He says I have a "good, caring" heart (lashes aflutter) and I care and love my folks hence this (mis)step!! Thanks Doc...I am plain happy to know that we know we're married to one another :)
The much promised snap and a sinfully wonderful...sin ?
