B'lore traffic "rules"

I am not going to be claiming that I am back with the "bang"(Lore...pssst the "d" was silent)!! So much for a pathetic joke.
Well, the last couple of weeks were spent over-hearing some interesting "expert" advice on the golden rules that prevail while driving in Bangalore. Two of our colleagues who've recently moved to India finally acquired the much dreaded liabilities - their cars. These wannabe 4-goody-tyres are truly the bane of this very over-burdened city. Its a pain driving around the streets of this place. You not only have poor & hazardous roads to drive on but you also have to bear the brunt of non-existent lane discipline, extremely rude drivers, completely bizarre traffic management "officials", terribly egoistic public transport drivers and...Jeez!! the list is endless. If you are smart enough though you could get by just fine, just like all those others who get along perfectly.

Heres some precious piece of overheard advice if you want to drive in Bangalore.

1. If you're a woman and you're a driver, be certain that you will curse the day the treacherous and quintessential "Y" jilted you ! Be bold, brazen and well truly forget femininity and all those associated niceties/jazz around that.
   
2. Buy your car but please ensure it does not look really new(meaning get those initial bumps and scratches for the effect...) the moment you hit the streets, you would've earned a few brownie points and respect of the other drivers!
   
3. Forget about your recent splurge at the dentists for a polished & cleaned set of teeth. Forget the fact that your smile makes you look nice and happy. You will never regret it. Start your day by gritting your jaws, bring on the frown and acid on your tongue and fire away with aggression. Once you reach your destination, you will know that your efforts paid off. Smile to your hearts content. A frown everyday will brighten your day!!
   
4. Get rid of both those rear view mirrors or keep them shut-in. Shocking but true...they are pretty much considered expensive and truly unwanted "accessories". I have never however managed to get rid of this horrid addiction to my rear view mirrors. Apart from looking all the way around when I turn to make sure my "blind-spots" don't deceive my vision. I really have to turn "cold turkey" on this terrible terrible vice. Well, what do they say about "when in Rome...."?
   
5. When in need HONK and HONK and HONK again. The louder the better and the more frequently you use it you will be sure to rule the streets.Oh! and you must try the latest in the market, they're now the louder than ever before. This nasty noise maker is sure to dissolve all your traffic woes. It doesn't matter if the decibel levels cannot be tolerated by the minutest of living beings. But if you're going this route remember deafness is also here to stay. The deafer you are the better off you are!!
   
6. If its a one-way street towards the north today, beware; it is likely to be one-way towards the south tomorrow. So please do drive in the opposite direction on a one-way street, it will pay off. Also, if theres a cop watching, please ignore him he doesn't know a thing at this point you simply jump to #10 below !!
   
7. Perhaps the driving school taught you how to use your indicators. But remember just as you did learn lots at college but had to unlearn and re-learn everything in your first job, kick your driving-school teacher hard on his/her backside. They never taught you the right the thing at all. Heres how you do it here. If you want to turn to the right:
1. Indicate about a mile in advance, remember do not turn off the indicator,
2. Stay on the extreme left side of the road, especially when you happen to drive a huge trailer/truck/bus,
3. The moment you arrive at your turn, just swish your wheels to the right and cut across like the Atlantis.
4. Disadvantage: You need to be prepared for lots of unparliamentary language and actions, Advantage:You have your way and feel realllllly "Godly"..And its the whole feel good factor - you're sooo smart & cool & superior, you freaked out fifty others around you and fooled them didn't ya!
   
8. Ensure you get fancy tail lights/parking lights/reverse lights on your vehicle, in a manner that they flash very fancily and all together irrespective of whether you're driving at night/hitting the brakes/reversing; its a cool, slick, trick! Oh you wicked devil you...you really got them this time didn't you?
9. You've probably heard of headlights and perhaps know how & when to use them.Simpletons like yours truly, use them at nights/fogs/rains and in the low beam. We poor folks were also taught to flash them to overtake/warn other drivers. But hey guess what I learnt today...you're supposed to install halogen/fluorescent lamps and drive on a high beam especially when you site someone coming in the opposite direction in a poorly lit street. Thanks! I now know what "Zap" means and can articulate "dazzled" really well.
10. Here are a few final aces.
    
1. Get some awful looking bumper stickers with devils/skulls/charging bulls and lots of messages painted sort of like "Oh evil-eyed one, may you face be blackened!*" OR "Himmat Hai To Side Se Nikal, Warna Bardasht Kar**" OR socially meaningful ones that promote birth control "we one ours one/two***";
   
2. Overtake from the wrong side
   
3. Be really quick to show your hand in a very offended manner to every passer-by whether or not there was a problem. Believe me you will scare them away.
   
4. Finally, remember you are always right !! Just drive straight and focus only on your getting to your destination before everyone else. Do not, I repeat, do not look around you under any circumstances, other drivers are obviously responsible for their own lives even if they get hit; after all they need to watch and drive carefully ! Didn't they come in the wrong direction ?
   

*Popular bumper stickers on trucks in India:

• *Oh boori nazar wale tera mooh kala - This one wards off the "evil-eye" a popular superstition
• **Himmat Hai To Side Se Nikal, Warna Bardasht Kar - If you have guts, overtake me or tolerate me
• ***Hum do humare ek/do - a family planning message, preaching to couples to have either one or 2 kids only

All this is very good & interesting, but the overwhelming factor is that it appears on really monstrous, scary and broken down trucks/trailers!!